Introspection

(WARNING: possible tl;dr ahead... sorry, but I have a lot to say!)

If you've been following my last few posts over the past few weeks, you know that my BR has taken some hits lately. It's been hard to avoid getting frustrated and keep a level head. I'm tired of staring these losses in the face, wondering when I'll be able to climb out of this hole. Then I realized...

I'm tilted.

It's not so bad that I'm losing money just because I don't care. But I'm playing differently, trying to avoid losing instead of trying to win. I gotta get my head back on straight. So, I've laid out a "Re-establish" plan:

Step 1: Re-establish a BR. This may sound like cheating, but once I get all of my funds back from the BAPs I've invested in, I'm going to scrap my current results and start over. I know, it sounds like cheating - why keep records if you don't count your losses? But trust me, I was focusing on too much negativity earlier. Now, I've revamped my spreadsheet to focus more on my BR than profits. I've worked hard to get my BR where it is, and that's worth something. My profits may be negative, but as long as my BR is above zero, I have something to show for my efforts.

Step 2: Re-establish a proper mindset. This involves me making a major change to my game. I am very strong in various poker aspects (math, strategy, reads, etc.), but I have come to realize a major weakness - I fear looking stupid. Lately, I've found myself shying away from taking risks that have a good chance of working out because I don't want my opponents to think I'm a terrible player. Who cares what they think? I'm a good player and I know it. I need to have more confidence in my talent and not be afraid of taking risks that may expose myself to criticism. In that vein of thought, I will now be posting my current BR and my stats spreadsheet on this blog (in the theme of full disclosure).

Step 3: Re-establish the fun. It is real money I'm playing with, but the truth is this - it ws never really mine to begin with! I can't dread playing because I don't want to lose; I need to love playing because it's exciting and fun! (and cool to win, as well!) With this in mind, I have made the following decision: if I cannot enjoy myself while keeping records, I'm just going to stop and play at my own discretion. I know, I know - any serious poker player needs to keep records. But let's be honest... what are the odds that I will become a serious professional poker player? Very slim. So, I'd rather enjoy myself while playing instead of forcing myself to be "serious."

Believe it or not, I'm actually excited about my new outlook and my new plan! Even if I end up not being all that great of a poker player - or even profitable, at least - I'm going to make sure I have fun. This is a hobby, after all!